Well, we’ve been together for a long time now. You’ve been my constant companion throughout my whole adult life. You sat in the passenger seat when I learned to drive, you rode pillion when I passed my motorbike test, you came into the hospital with me when I got Chicken Pox at 22, you attended University with me, you were there when my daughter was born, you were looking over my shoulder when I met and fell in love with Mr B and no doubt, you’ll be there, hovering in the background, when I take my last breath.
You’ve experienced every nuance of my adult life. You’ve always been there, lurking in the shadows, biding your time and waiting for your moment. You’ve gone through the ups and downs of day to day living with me. Sometimes, you blended gently into the background but at others you’ve been a force to be reckoned with and a right pain in the ass. Sometimes, you’ve been content to let me man the rudder and find my own path but at others, you’ve tried to steer me in directions I didn’t want to go.
I’ve tried to fight you but to no avail. You’ve made me angry, scared, frustrated as hell and could make me cry at the smallest provocation. You’ve riddled me with guilt and plunged me into the depths of despair because I didn’t give you the time and attention you deserved. At times I’ve lived in denial, refusing your very existence but you didn’t care what your reception was, you were there whether I acknowledged you or not. Always waiting in the wings, ready to pounce at inopportune moments.
I’ve felt your hot breath as my body burned from ketoacidosis and I’ve felt your cool touch as my glucose levels plummeted down. I’ve tried to ignore you, shake you off or leave you behind but your tenacious grip on me has to be admired. You have been unfailing in your determination to hang on and now your grip is so tight that the separation between you and me has become blurred and indistinct.
I can’t remember what life was like before you came into my world. The carefree existence of not having to worry about what factors will wake you up and let me feel your wrath. You affect my blood glucose levels, my mood, my health and my mobility and your prevailing influence permeates every aspect of my life.
Upon reflection, I can see that i’ve been grieving for my former life. Shock and denial allowed me to avoid the pain of your reality. Then the pain and guilt kicked in, with feelings of frustration and remorse over the things that I did or didn’t do to avoid you. Close on its heels were anger and bargaining and questioning, “Why me?” This was then followed by a period of sad reflection where I realised the magnitude of the loss of my former life and was accompanied by feelings of depression and despair.
But, I now know you’re not the malevolent entity that I once made you out to be. You can’t help what you are, you just are. Without me, you would cease to exist and so, I must recognise our co-dependence and learn to live with you. I’m on the upward turn and as I handle you with a more organised approach, I feel calmer. My mind is working again and i’m actively seeking real solutions and reconstructing my life around you, not against you.
Diabetes, I won’t fight you anymore. I accept you and look forward to the rest of the life we will share together.
Bye for now,